Tales Of Bonnie Scotland

by Wheelchair Wheelchair Wheelchair Wheelchair

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Our 2nd full length album


released November 30, 2013

Produced by Ali Walker
Bagpipes on tracks 1 & 14 - Duncan Menzies
Additional vocals on tracks 9 & 13 - Kashif Saghar



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Wheelchair Wheelchair Wheelchair Wheelchair Glasgow, UK

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Track Name: Erector of the Trossachs
Toss my caber
Put you in labour
Strap it on, lassie
Make me pay
Erector of the Trossachs

Spank my baws
Wi' a Lochgelly tawse
Shit while I rim you
Then gie's a kiss
Erector of the Trossachs
Track Name: Hairy Crags of Ancient Pine
Suck it and spit it
Catch it and swallow
My sperm whale, yet far inland
Your rosy lips exploring my glans
And there my veinéd shaft will follow
Amidst the hairy crags of ancient pine

Your nips are trig points
Your hillocks are heavin'
I am the monster in your loch
I stand upon Dumbarton Rock
And fuck the Vale Of Leven
Amidst the hairy crags of ancient pine
Track Name: We Ride the Pink Crystal Falls
Let's go
Get in the boat
We ride the pink crystal falls

Gently fellate me
In this inflatable
We ride the pink crystal falls

I am in you
In this dinghy
We ride the pink crystal falls

My spurting arc
O'er white rapids
We ride the pink crystal falls
Track Name: A Wild Mountain Lumber
Something stirs within my loins
A wild mountain lumber
My bonnie lass lies aside me
Very accommodating

My towering lumber
Cannot be felled
Heavy timber
Awaiting a vessel

She strips the bark
Mottled pine
Spraying woodchip
A shower of splinters
Track Name: The Lion Rampant
Rampant liar
Rumpy pumpy
Rogering hard
Take a radge
In your fadge
In your fudge
In your bumhole

Dance a rumba
In your ringpiece
Lion laughing
Pull your mane
Rub you off
In my lair
Pussy eater
Track Name: Aroused Moorhen
A ridin' a rompin' eruptin' ejaculate
Suck ma boaby it's gey braw
A bunk up a bonkin' a loosin' ma muck
Get yer hole in the bracken the rigs o' barley

Ye want more hen
Aye ye fucking want more
Spunk in yer arse on Glenfinnan's fair braes
Jizz in yer face wipe it aff wi' yer claes
Track Name: Wedding Quaich, Virgin Dram
Fir richer or poorer
Ye dirty wee hooer
A virgin dram
I desire yer sweet gam

One pinky inside yer dunger
Like a bung in a barrel o' malt

Two lips on the quaich full of amber nectar
I'll drain your swamp like the Trossachs Erector
Track Name: The Lady of Loch Throbbing
In the cold night air
She gestures to me
The Lady of Loch Throbbing

She calls to me
She throbs for me
I throb for her

Is she there or is she no'?
Aroused I wander to the loch
Removing my clothes
First my kilt, then my shirt

Condoms in the sporran
I left them with my sgian-dubh
By the water's edge

To drift into her
To dock in her bay
Moonlight reflects
Off her shining bosoms

She swallows me whole
I disappear into her
Sinking in her arms
Drowning in lust

A depth charge in the night
Her spirit drifts away
The Lady of Loch Throbbing
Track Name: Dig for Peat, Guddle for Trout
The Highland lads are riding off to war
Every lad and his lassie goes down among the rashes

Dig for peat, guddle for trout
Dig for peat, guddle for trout

They use the other hole
Unless it is the lassie's menses
To avoid producing bastards
Of dead soldiers

Dig for peat, guddle for trout
Dig for peat, guddle for trout

These days there are superior
Forms of contraception
Don't swallow the johnny
Or you'll shit a haggis
Track Name: Engorged Wetlands
Speed bonnie boat into Flora's glacial valley
The royal barge - large, hard and a-quiver
Make of this frozen tundra
Engorged wetlands

"Charlie, brave Charlie, sweet prince, pound me like barley"
'Tis scary, her climax reaches such altitudes
Make of this barren heath
Engorged wetlands

My dearie, fair Alba's your loins, Dumfries
The clit, Perth the G-spot
And Flanders Moss your lusty
Engorged wetlands
Track Name: The A9 to Houghmagandie
I'm uglier than Falkirk
But clever, like the Wheel
Bonnie lass gies a feel
A frig and a fuck

We'll take the A9 to Houghmagandie

Roamin' in the gloamin'
With the mortal remains
Of a Gallowgate whore
On Loch Lomond's shore

We'll take the A9 to Houghmagandie

Like the pubic trail from your navel down
We'll take the high road that leads out of town

Travel lodge
I am randy
Tesco's handy

We'll take the A9 to Houghmagandie
Track Name: Commanding Views of Loch Vulvula
From the imposing heights of Ben Schneggle,
Commanding views of Loch Vulvula.
I took a fair maiden to Schneggle's peak,
And gestured towards the glistening spring.

The sun's rays beating off the water,
Reflected in my true love's eyes.
The gush of fluid swirling within -
Of pleasures in the murky depths

Her milky hand envelopes mine
Pulling me beneath the surface,
To splash in a pool of silky finery,
Swirling between my trembling fingers

Naked in the crisp summer air,
Our weather-beaten bodies lay.
Heightened passions, woozy at altitude,
Drowning in a loch of splendour

A lusty thrust to finish up,
Freshwater trickles down her leg,
And o'er her shoulder, filling my heart
Commanding views of Loch Vulvula